Am I Boring My Dog books only

It’s true, dogs aren’t very discerning literary critics. If a book isn’t liver or chicken flavored, they tend to lose interest.

Some volumes, however, seem more capable of evoking canine ennui than others. Such classics, for example, as War and Pee; Das Catipal; To the Dog House; and the Great Catsby.

But those titles, which appear on the cover of my new book, Am I Boring My Dog, are just a few of the many my friends and I came up with. I’m sure you can come up with more.  If you do, there’s a prize in it: A copy of that new book.

It’s simple: Write into the comments section of this post with a title of a well-known book that would make a dog yawn. I’ll chose the seven best, one for each day of the contest, and send each of the winners an autographed — and paw-printed — copy of Am I Boring My Dog.

Although each participant can only win one book, there’s no limit to the number of titles you can submit within the contest time frame: August 24 through August 31. Just be sure to check the comments section so there’s no duplication. At the end of each day  I’ll compile a list of the submissions and post them here as updates, so that those who want to enter on the following day won’t have to scroll through the previous day’s entries.

My prime criterion for selecting a winner? Making me laugh. You get extra points if there’s also an appropriate author with the book title, e.g., To the Doghouse by Virginia Woof. I deduct points for getting the author wrong, e.g, Das Catipal by Leo Manx.  (Maybe there was some kind of cat/lion/Leon association that seemed clever at the time, a conflation of Leon Trotsky with Karl Mark? A spillover from War and Pee and its feline-ish author, Leo Tolstoy? I admit some drinking might have been involved.) Luckily, I wrote the book and so get several free copies.

Why would you want the prize, sheer fun of the competition aside? See About Am I Boring My Dog.

I’ll announce the winners on September 1 — which also happens to be the publication date of the book.

So to recap: August 24 to August 31. Post the titles of books that would bore your — or any other — dog in the comments section, below.

Have fun, and good luck!

Update: August 24, Day 1

The response has been terrific, beyond my expectations. I’ve been chuckling all day. What follows is an alphabetical list of today’s entries, so those submitting titles tomorrow can see what’s already been posted. And even those who don’t want to enter can have a good laugh.

A Good Bone is Hard to Find by Flannery O’Cavalier
A Portrait of the Dog as a Young Pup by James Juice
A Tail of Two Kitties by Charles Kittens
A Tail of Two Shih Tzus by Charles What-the-Dickens
Autobiography of Leroi Bones by Fido Barka
Betty Cocker Cookbook by Betty Cocker Spaniel
Bone Free, by Joy Catamson
Bones from Underground by Fido Dogstoevsky
Cat’s Cradle by Kurt VonneCat.
Catch 22 Cats by Old Yeller
Catch! 22 times!!! by Joseph Holler
Chairman Meow’s Little Red Book
Death of a Veterinarian by Barker Miller
Doxin by Robin Cook
Eat Lay Snooze: One dog’s search for a purpose-filled life
Even Cattle Dogs Get the Blues
Go Poop Up On the Mountain by James Baldhound
Gone with the Wee Wee, by Margaret Itchell
Hairy Plotter and the Sorcerer’s Bone by J.K. Howling
Hairy, Bo and Shirley – The Three Pooches and The sitter Downers.
James and the Giant Pooch by Roland Dawg
Lady Chatterly’s Rover
Lonesome Dog by Larry McMurtry
Look Boneward, Angel by Thomas Woof
Lord of the Fleas by William Golden
Lord of the Paws
Midnight in the Garden of Fetch and Die
Mutts are from Mars, Weimaraners are from Venus
Naked and LUNCH! by William S. Brrrooowwwwws
Of Canine Bondage by W. Somerset Maugham
Peace, Love & Heeling by B.S.
Room with a Poo by E M Forester
Scoop by Evelyn Waurhf
Slouching Towards Veterinarian by Joan Piddle-on
Sometimes a Great Commotion by Ken Pee-easy
Sophie’s Chews by William Strawhide
Spontaneous Heeling by Andrew Wag
Stay and No Play by Dogs Just Wannahavefun
Tender to the Bone by Ruff Reichl
The Adventures of Huckleberry Hound by Mark Twain
The Catcher in the Sty by J.D. Salivator
The Dog-Catcher in the Rye
The Dogfather by Mario Poozo
The Gassy-stromical Me by M.F.K-9 Fisher
The Grapes of Ruff by John Steinbark
The Hound is a Lonely Hunter by Currson McCullers
The Little Puppy
The Poop Also Rises by Ernest Hammaway
The Postman Always Rings Twice by Juan Tu Bitem
The Slurping Point
The Taming of the Poo
The Tell Tail Heart, Edgar Allan Poo
The Three daschunds of Madame Liang by Pearl S. Buck
The Whine and the Music by William E. Barrett
The Wizard of Dog by L Frank Bark
The World According to Gruff by John RRRRving
To Kill a Squirrel who Mocks Me by Harper Lee
Welcome to the Doghouse by Kat Vonnegut
What Color Is Your Poop?

Update: Day 2, August 25

I didn’t quite get the overwhelming response of the first day, but some great entries turned up. I was glad to see popular culture and classics alike getting lots of play. So today we have:

100 Years of Sausages
206 Bones, Kathy Reichs
Anna and the Cats of Siam, based on the diaries of Anna Meowowens
Anna Cat-erina
As I Lay Drooling
Ball and Beach  by Tolstoy
Cattery Row by John Steinbark
Chicken Soup for the Bowl by Jack Catfield and Bark Victor Hansen
Collected Bones, by Paw Blackbone

Death of a Mailman by Arfur Miller

Doggone with the Wind by Margaret Bitchell

“F” is for Flea by Sue Grrrrrrrafton
Goodnight Mooooooon, Moooo, Moooo, Mooooooooooon, by Margaret Wise Beagle Brown
How to Win Friends and Influence Beagles by Airedale Carnegie
I’m Ok, You’re a Yorkie by Thomas A Hairy, MD
In his Steps: What Would Fido Do? By Garmutt Sheltiedon
Jonathan Livingston Beagle by Bitch-ard Bach
Love in the Time of Cats and Dogs
Mastering the Art of French Poodles, by Julia Styled
Moby Tick
Northanger Tabby by Jingles Austen
Pride and Salmon Bits by Jingles Austen
The Adventures of Huckleberry Fang
The Bone Ultimatum by Robert Ludlam
The Carnivore’s Dilemma
The Long Tail, by Chris Wagderson
The Old Dog and the Flea by Ernest Hemingwoof
To Hunt a Mockingbird by Barker Lee
Websters Daschundary
What Color is Your Litter Box by Rascal Bolles

Don’t forget to look at previous entries — including mine. I had to delete a few repeats today.

Midday update, August 26th I forgot to mention that some of the charm of the original submissions lies in the commentary that comes with them. For example, the title Lady Chatterley’s Rover came with the comment “a story about some woman and her dumb horse. Rover is barely even mentioned.” I’m listing the titles alone each day for the purposes of the contest, but for the full flavor  — and another way to divert even more time from the work you should be doing — browse through the comments section.

Final update, Day 3, August 26th

Well, the number of entries may be diminishing, but the quality isn’t. Once again, I’ve got some amazingly clever submissions. Some of you — you know who you are — are outdoing yourselves with multiple entries, in some cases series by a single author. I’ve broken them up for the purpose of alphabetization, so others can check to see if they’re duplicating past efforts. But, again, do browse through the comments section to see them in groupings, replete with commentary.

And let me know if I’ve gotten any of these wrong.

Agnes Greyhound by Anne Beagle
Ben Cur by Arrrrrrrroooooooo Wallace
Bowl on Ice by Eldridge Retriever
Cod-dinner by Ima Flanders
Dogbones Are Forever by Ima Flanders
Dr. No…NO! NO! by Ima Flanders
From Husky With Love by Ima Flanders
Healing from the Heartworm by MehMutt Oz, M.D
Heart of Barkness by Joseph Bone-rad
How to Win Bones and Influence People by Dog Carnivore Carnegie
Jane Airedale by Charlotte Beagle
Kitty Kitty Bang Bang!!
Liver and Let Lie by Ima Flanders
Octopussies! by Ima Flanders
On the Bitch by Nevil Shute
Pup from Slavery: An Autobiography by Booker T. Washington
The Best of Vegan Cooking by Pusscilla Feral
The Dog with the Golden Bun by Ima Flanders
The Guernsey Litter Box and Puddle of Pee Society by Mary Ann Shar-pei and Puppy Barrows
The Pit Bull and the Pendulum by Edgar Allan Poe
The Sharpei Who Loved Me by Ima Flanders
The Terrier of Wildcat Hall by Anne Beagle
Waterball by Ima Flanders
Winnie the Poodle by A. Stray Milne
Woofering Heights by Emily Jane Beagle
You Only Bark Twice by Ima Flanders

Update, Day 4. August 27th

No question: As we pass the halfway mark of this contest, the list of submissions is getting shorter. The cause for this phenomenon, however, is not clear cut. Are potential entrants losing interest? Or are they losing their nerve in the face of daunting competition? I say the latter, as the cumulative number of tough-to-beat entries grows. Here, then, are today’s additions (sorry, I seem to have some unresolvable spacing issues):

A Room with a Doggy Bed by E. M. RUFFster

Because I Could Not Stop to Poop by Emily Bit-your-son

Bleak Doghouse by King Charles Spaniel Dickens

Giles Dogboy by John Bark

Hairy by Stephen King Charles Spaniel

I Hear America Barking by Walt Bit-man

I Know Why the Caged Dog Barks by Iwant Outahere

Love in the Time of Dog Collars by Gabriel Garcia Muttquez

Piddler on the Roof by Josruff Stein

Snow Falling on Kennel by David Guterson.

The Barking of Lot 49 by Thomas Pinch-One

The Clan of the Cave Beagle by Jean M. Auel

The Lion and the Bitch in the Wardrobe, by C.S. Lhasa Apso

Update: Day 5, August 28th

Some of you — and you know who you are — are getting a little addicted to this contest. But I’m going to be an enabler here, because I’m enjoying your submissions way too much. Here goes:

A Bone as Big as the Ritz by F. Scott Fitzsnarled

A Farewell to Paws by Ernest Hemingwoof

A Pant to the Music of Time by Anthony Howl

Ageless Booties, Timeless Find by D Chopra

All the Pretty Doggies by Cormac McBarky

An Awfully Big Veterinarian by Snaryl Bainbridge

Big Hound by Dorothy Barker

Blow Your Kennel Down by Pat Barker

Boneo & Chewliette by William Barkspeare

Carpetspotting by Irving Welsh Corgi

Cattipuss Rex by Dogocles

Daschund’s Apology by Snaryl Bainbridge

Dog Day’s Journey into Bite by Eugene O’Heel

Dogula by Bram Stalker

Every Dog for Himself by Snaryl Bainbridge

Hambone by William Barkspeare

Howl by Allen Ginsbark

I Love Myself When I’m Barking… by Zora Snarl Huston

I, the Furry by Lickey Spillane

La Bete Canine by Emile Zoola

Lay Down, Fido by William Barkner

Love in the Time of Distemper by Gabriel Garcia Barkquez

Mansfield Dogpark by Jane Boston Terrier

Memoir of A Greyhound by Arrrthur Golden Retriever

My Tongue is Quick by Lickey Spillane

No Country for Old Dogs by Cormac McBarky

Of Mutts and Mastiffs by John Steinbark

Pale Dog, Pale Biter by Katharine Ann Pooper

Pale Fido by Vladimir Bulldog-kov

Pooing and Nothingness by Jean Paul Barke

Poopimento by Lillian Hellbitch

The Birthday Dogs by Snaryl Bainbridge

The Doghouse Gang by Tom Woofe

The Elements of Doggie Style by Bark & Bite

The Great Bark Hunt by Pointer S. Daschund

The Magic Hydrant by Thomas Dogg

The Maltese Hydrant by Dashof Hamsalad

The Mastiff and Margarita by Mikhail Beaglekov

The Moonbone by Woofie Collins

The Picture of Doberman Gray by Os-cur Wilde

The Poodle Factory Outing by Snaryl Bainbridge

The Poodleponesian Wars by Thucidoggides

The Poop by Mary McBarky

The Tell-Tale Fart by Edgar Allen Pooh

The Unbearable Lightness of Being….A Chihuahua by Milan Cur-dera

Their Eyes Were Watching Dog by Zora Snarl Huston

To a Dog Unknown by John Steinbark

Tortilla Cats by John Steinbark

Vile Doggies by Evelyn Woof

White Teeth by Zaidie Sniff

Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woof ? by Edward Allpee

Update, Day 6: August 29

The contest is winding down — tomorrow’s the final day for entries — but we’ve got a second wind here, with the number mounting. It’s true, many are thanks to the addicted few, but some new entrants turned up, too. All this to say, it’s not too late though the competition is intimidating.

I haven’t caught all the repetition, I know, but I have all of Monday to sort them out — and select the winners.

Alfred Bitchcock’s Book of Horror Stories by All-fed Bitchcock

Barchester Bow-wows by Anthony Colllie-op

Bitch Dad, Poor Dad –What the Bitch Teaches Kids About Money That the Poor and Piddle Class Do Not by Robert T. Eat-your-sock-y and Sharon L. Lechter

Bury It Where It Lays by Joan Piddle-on

Colliewood Babylon: The Legendary Underdog Classic of Colliewood’s Darkest and    Best Kept Secrets by Kenneth Fanger

Curb Your Dog’s Enthusiasm: The Book by Deirdre Doberman

Dharma Bones by Jack Russell Kerry Blue Terrier Whack

Dog Quixote of La Mancha by Cervantes

Dogchild by Aleister Growley

Great Dane Expectations by Charles Lick ‘ems

Here, King Coal! By Pupton Sinclair

(I Like To Watch The) Rabbit, Run by John Pupdike

Little House on the Prairie Dog by Laura Ingalls Wild-Dog

Omen – Dog Star Wars: Fate of the Jedi, Book 2by Christie Golden Retriever

Poor Little Bitch Girl by David L. Heymann

Saint Bernards and Sinners by Dogter Eamon Fluffy

The Bitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Dogless Adams

The Boston Terrier Tea Party by Benjamin Woods Labrador

The Cattery by Snarly Barkson

The Devil Dog Wears Prada by Lauren Bite-berger

The Dog Kabbalah by Lon Fido Biscuit

The Gold Pug by Edgrrrrr Allan Poe

The Golden Bow-wow: A Study in Magic and Religion by James George Frazer

The Joy Lucky Dog Club by Amy Tatra

The Old Bitch’s Tale by Arnold Bury-it

The Rin Tin Tin Drum by Gunter Grasseater

The Scarlet Setter by Nathaniel Pawthorne

To Cerberus with Love by E. R. Bitewaite

We Have Always Lived in the Kennel by Snarly Barkson

When Bad Things Happen to Good Dogs by Harold S. Kushner


You know how I said I would be awarding 7 books, one for each day of the contest? I’ve always been math challenged. August 24-August 31 is eight days. So the seventh and last day of the contest is tomorrow. Hey, I need the entire day of Monday to sort out the entries and decide on the winners. And some of you need to get back to work!

Sunday, August 30: Midday update/extension

It’s been a slow contest day. For the previous days, I’ve been counting the shutdown of my computer — around 8pm Pacific Standard Time — as the end of the day, but since I cut off the contest earlier than previously announced due to a mathematical error, I’ll give y’all the rest of Sunday and until I get up Monday to submit the last entries. Figure that’s about 5:30am — plenty of time for those of you on the east coast, in the U.K. and in Australia (I think; and yes, that means you, Susanne) to get your last entries in.

Also: I’ll be welcoming Frankie home from his stay in the veterinary clinic later this afternoon. I don’t have all the details yet, but it seems that Frankie’s illness was due to a one-time intestinal infection, nothing major to do with his diabetes. Hoorah! So I don’t want to bore him by spending time away from him, i.e., on the computer.

Monday, August 31st. End of contest

And it’s a wrap!  Just a few final entries trickled in, as follows:
Alls Loud at the Doggie Park by Erich Maria Retreiver

Crate Hate

Even Chow Chows Get The Blues by Tom-Cat Robbins

Every doggie poops

The Whining by Stephen BarKing

The Dog Also Rises by Ernest Barkingway

The Fetcher in the Park by JD Slobberer


It’s been amazing. Time to walk Frankie. I’ll be back later with the final list, and some commentary about trending authors and topics.

115 thoughts on “Book Giveaway Contest: What Books Would Bore Your Dog?”

  1. Edie,

    I may have to enter a 12-step program to stop doing this.


    The Scarlet Setter by Nathaniel Pawthorne

    Great Dane Expectations by Charles Lick ‘ems

    Saint Bernards and Sinners by Dogter Eamon Fluffy

    The Gold Pug by Edgrrrrr Allan Poe

    The Rin Tin Tin Drum by Gunter Grasseater

    The Golden Bow-wow: A Study in Magic and Religion by James George Frazer

    Colliewood Babylon: The Legendary Underdog Classic of Colliewood’s Darkest and Best Kept Secrets by Kenneth Fanger

    The Boston Terrier Tea Party by Benjamin Woods Labrador

  2. Bury It Where It Lays by Joan Piddle-on
    We Have Always Lived in the Kennel by Snarly Barkson
    The Cattery by Snarly Barkson
    The Old Bitch’s Tale by Arnold Bury-it
    Barchester Bow-wows by Anthony Colllie-op

  3. Oh, Edie…. Correction to my “Pup from Slavery”….. I should’ve written that the author is Booker T-Bone Washington.

    Trivia of the day: seriously….the “T” in “Booker T. Washington” stands for “Taliaferro”…. just like my last name, but without the silent “g.” Go figure.


    1. Susan, I deleted your email address from the post because I wasn’t sure you put it there on purpose or if it was accidental. — Edie

  4. Couldn’t help myself, had to do one more – I can stop anytime I want to though, I swear…

    Even Chow Chows Get The Blues by Tom-Cat Robbins

    I’m stopping now…well I’ll try really hard…ok we’ll see…

  5. How the love of our canines become the love of our lives; no DOUBT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

  6. AAAARGH! I blame you for this one Edie, you goaded me into it – I was all done, really I was!

    The Whining by Stephen BarKing

  7. The Dog Also Rises by Ernest Barkingway
    Alls Loud at the Doggie Park by Erich Maria Retreiver
    The Fetcher in the Park by JD Slobberer

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