I’ve discovered that Frankie has a pet name for me: She Who Must Obey Me. For obvious reasons.
The human behavior modification program has been going pretty well, from his perspective, but even a master trainer needs to refresh his skills periodically. I caught Frankie scribbling down these resolutions for the new year:
1. I will not bark urgently at the front door when I want more food. This has begun to blunt SWMOM’s response to one of my essential jobs: alerting her to the presence of the mail carrier and other intruders. I will work on my piteous whine — an unexplored area of vocalization that seems very promising — as a possible substitute.
2. I will not duck into the darkest corner of the yard at 5:30am when SWMOM is attempting to subject me to her strange urine collection ritual. She doesn’t like getting pee on her hands and, I believe, gives me less food and/or deliberately makes my morning insulin injection pinch when this occurs.
3. I will, as she phrased it, “grow a pair” and go outside to pee before bedtime, even when it’s cold outside, in order not to have to wake SWMOM in the middle of the night to let me out. She is very grumpy all day when that occurs. Oh, wait, she has made growing a pair anatomically impossible. The hell with her. I’ll get her up when I need to go.
4 . I will reserve standing up and putting my paws against her legs and staring into her eyes for indicating a single message: “Pay attention to me.” Being somewhat simple minded, SWMOM cannot distinguish between such subtleties as left paw forward (Don’t you think it’s time for dinner?) and right paw forward (Retrieve my squeaky chile!). I believe she’s getting too old to learn new tricks.
5. I will lick her face more frequently so SWMOM will believe it’s a sign of affection rather than a means of discerning if her menu is properly balanced. She may otherwise start washing her face after meals instead of just performing the desultory napkin wipe or ineffective self-cleaning lip lick.
Remember: It’s just one week until the Pet Blogger Challenge!